A Letter to My 15-Year-Old Self

This has been done before, and by much better writers. But 15 was the defining year in my life.

Dear 15,

I know that waiting for the inevitable to happen made you sick, too. I still remember. You cried so little after it happened, not even at the funeral..so strong, so stoic. You loved her more than anyone in the world - you were her pumpkin, her little girl. The hole left after she died was never filled, and you immediately were an adult. You ran a house, and spent so much time alone while he escaped into his work. But you never let anyone know that it hurt. You had a smile for everyone and you were just fine...you'll get really good at that. Your sister left school to take care of you - you'll never be able to repay her for putting her life on hold for you, but you will do whatever you can for her and the kids that will become as much yours as they are hers.

You'll make it out the other side with the grace and maturity of someone much older. You'll realize that bigger and better things are out there for you somewhere and you won't waste the chance to find them, even though it means leaving your life 3,000 miles behind. I admire your resilience and pragmatism - others will notice and appreciate this as you navigate your 20s.

I wish I could give you a glimpse of what life is like 15 years later. You'd be surprised...maybe a little shocked about the path chosen, especially because being a librarian is nowhere near as sexy as being a record producer. But one day you'll wake up and realize where your passion lies, and that it's what you were really meant to do.

You married the musician just like you said you would, by the way. And a lot earlier than you expected. Not so much with the kids though.

You will be loved, admired, and respected as a person and a professional.

You're going to be okay. More okay than you ever could have imagined. In 15 years you'll be on the cusp of the most exciting year of your adult life. You'll wish she was here to see it.

And maybe she is.